Chapter 1

WHY ME?

Brittani ReAnne Hall drove on her way to Wal-Mart to purchase an at-home pregnancy test. She had been procrastinating for the past two months, every day wishing, hoping, and praying to see her period. There had been close calls before, but she had never been this late. Deep in her heart, she knew things were different this time.

As she slowly pulled into the parking lot, she felt tears roll down her face and onto her shirt. Brittani had been crying a great deal lately; she didn’t know what else to do. Tears had become her comfort, a way of releasing the frustration she felt. She could not believe this was happening to her. “I’m late again,” she said aloud.

Brittani, age sixteen, was a junior at Booker T. Washington High School. She loved her school and was proud of all it represented. The blue and gold ran through the veins of her family line. Although integration in the early ‘70s had separated the family lines, Brittani’s mother, father, and most of her family were graduates of Washington. Brittani prided herself in being very active at Washington. She was a member of the cheerleading squad, student council, Bible Club, Gospel Choir, and, most of all, she represented her school as Miss Junior. The possibility of her being pregnant would be scandalous. Her dreams of attending college would vanish right before her eyes. What was she to do?

“O God,” she whispered. “Please let it be negative. I promise that if I’m not pregnant, I will never do it again. I promise.”

Brittani looked at herself in the mirror. She wiped the tears from her face as she reached for a tissue to blot her eyes, careful not to smudge her mascara. Her hands shook as she put on sunglasses to conceal her swollen, red eyes. She took a deep breath, praying that God would be with her. Brittani needed His closeness right now. Kenny had distanced himself from her after she told him that she no longer wanted to be sexually active and that she might be pregnant.

Inside the store, she got a basket and browsed for a few moments before making her way to the at-home pregnancy tests. She decided on the less expensive brand, Sure and Safe at $6.99. What difference did the brand make? She was not a married woman with a husband at home eager for the results. The father was only stupid Kenny.

Brittani froze for a moment, replaying in her head how her troubles all began. She remembered the day as if it were yesterday.

He said he loved me, and just those words alone made me feel special. I would have done anything to keep him. Satisfying him was more important than life itself.

“I love you,” he whispered in my ear.

“Sure you do,” I said jokingly, melting as I stared into his hazel eyes.

“Brittani, you don’t understand. Baby, I want to show you how much I really love you. I want to express my real love for you. You know how I feel about you. You do love me, don’t you?” he asked.

“Of course I love you,” I replied.

“So why the hesitation? What’s that all about?”

“I’m just not ready.”

“Not ready! Not ready! Is that all you can say? What’s the real holdup, Brittani?”

“Look, Kenny, I’m not your wife. I can’t have sex with you. I’m waiting until we get married. Don’t you want to wait?”

“Heck no!” he yelled, causing several people to look our way.

“Excuse me! Why don’t y’all mind your own business?” I yelled.

Several of the girls rolled their eyes and continued with their conversations. The guys laughed and teased Kenny about having woman problems. A group of girls walked by, and Katora Banks smiled at Kenny and blew him a kiss right in front of me.

“So, you like that, huh?” I asked, pointing at Katora.

“No, no. We’re just friends.” Kenny laughed and continued. “Where were we? Oh yeah. I mean, we are getting married, but not right now. After college, you know we’re getting married. So what’s wrong with starting now?”

Iwas speechless. He knew that I was weakening after each one of these conversations. I knew the battle was over, and he had won. I also knew that if I refused to make a commitment, plenty of girls would, especially Katora Banks.

“Kenny, why are you pressuring me? Why can’t we continue like we are now?”

"Just touching you and you touching me ain't enough. Anyway, I’m not pressing you.”

“I said pressuring me,” I shot back.

“Well, pressing, pressuring, whatever. I, uh, I just want you to make up your mind. Are we a couple or what? We can't keep playing with each other forever."

"Playing with each other, who's playing?" I asked.

“You know what I mean, the touching thing. I'm tired of that.”

“So, our just doing that frustrates you, huh?"

“As a matter of fact, yeah. That stuff is only the beginning."

"Kenny, I'm okay with the touching, aren’t-"

"No, I'm not!" he interrupted loudly.

"You are so full of it, Kenny, so full of it." I couldn't believe my ears. Now that we had become intimate through touch, he wanted more. Touching was like turning on a fountain that I could not control. I could not stop him from wanting to go all the way.

“Look, I gotta go. I’m late for practice,” he said. “Coach is going to be furious. I’m tired of these conversations, anyway.”

“What about us, Kenny?” I asked through tears.

“What about us? We’re going to be okay. I’ll see you later. I’ll come over tonight and bring pizza.”

“No, not tonight. My parents are going out, and you know I can’t have company.”

“Well, that’s all we need to know. Tonight?” he said, walking away and smiling. “See you tonight!” I could hear him yell through the locker room doors. They slammed shut, their echo permeating the gym. Everything seemed so permanent. The matter was settled; tonight was the night.

My parents and my sister were seeing a movie and going to dinner. A standing rule in our home was that I was never to have male company while my parents were out. I didn’t mean to break the rule; I just wanted the tension to be over. My plan was to break off my relationship with Kenny. I would tell him that we were finished, and then he would become angry and go home. That was my plan. However, Kenny had plans of his own.

I intentionally wore a one piece body suit without snaps. I thought it might delay him as it had in the past. Whenever he tried to get through that outfit, he became totally frustrated and quit. I thought myself clever to have gone through all the trouble.

Kenny arrived carrying what I call make-up gifts: candy, pizza, and a single yellow rose.

"Oh, how pretty! Thank you," I said as we kissed."Kenny, we need to talk. I'm sorry you came all this way, but I can't go through with tonight."

"But we planned-.” He said sitting down on the couch.

"No, you planned tonight. I didn't.”

"So what are you saying?” he asked.

"We can still be friends, you know. We’ll hang out sometimes. We’ll still see each other in school.”

"Brittani...wait a minute. Are you trying to break up with me?” he asked.

"Yeah, I can't take it anymore. So let's just break it off now.” I couldn't believe what I was saying. It was as if I were having an out of body experience, looking at myself giving this wonderful breakup speech.

"Brittani, I love you,” he confessed. “I thought we were ready to go to the next level. But if you're not ready, I'll just wait, and we'll continue like before.”

"No,” I replied. "I can’t go on like before. I don’t want us anymore. The fighting and the constant battle over sex are wearing me down. We have to agree that we don’t see eye to eye on this issue. I-I just can’t take it anymore.”

"Brittani, what is wrong with you?” he said as he got up and began to pace the floor. "You’re my girl, and I can't believe you don't want me anymore. I...” He paused, but I wasn't ready for what happened next. With tears in his eyes he said, "I need to have you with me.”

I was shocked. He was actually crying about me, about us, about our love. “Kenny, please don't do this,” I said, wiping the tears from his face.

“I can’t go on without you, Brittani. Please don’t leave me. Let’s just take our time and think this thing through. You can’t leave me,” he cried, burying his face in my chest.

For the next several minutes, it seemed as if time stood still as we wrapped our arms around one another. The smell of his cologne tranquilized me. I kissed him in an effort to comfort him. I wanted the hurt and pain that I had caused him to go away. After all, he needed me, and, truthfully speaking, I wanted him to need me. I liked his attention. I liked the thought of someone crying over me and my love. I could feel the warmth of his body as we kissed. His lips were soft as they enveloped mine.

Kenny had a way of touching me that made my body feel like a stream of cool water running over hot rocks. I knew then that I had really been kissed. For him, it was a survival kiss, but for me, it was a kiss to surrender.

Now, a year and a half later, Brittani hunted a pregnancy test alone.

A woman’s voice woke her from her daydream. “Excuse me, miss, can I can help you with anything?” asked a sales clerk.

“No. No thank you,” Brittani whispered, turning her back to the clerk and wiping her face. “I was just looking.”

“Let me know if you need some help,” the clerk said, walking down the aisle.

Brittani placed the test in the basket and looked over her shoulder to see if anyone was looking in her direction.

“Why is this happening to me?” she thought. “Why me?”

She heard a low but audible voice respond, “Why not you?”

Brittani looked around herself. No one was there. The voice was clear, low but clear. She felt as if someone were standing right next to her. She could even feel a breath on her ear.

“Why not me?” she thought to herself. “Why not me?”

She paid for the test and walked out the door without hearing the sales clerk tell her that she had forgotten her change.

Brittani threw the bag on the back seat, not noticing its contents fall to the floor. She began to feel sick to her stomach at the thought of telling her mother and terrified at telling her father. What will they say? What will they do? They are going to be so disappointed in me. Suppose they don’t love me anymore? And my reputation at school will be ruined.

“No! No! No!” Brittani screamed aloud. “This can’t be happening to me!" she cried, slamming her fists on the steering wheel. The tears were back as if they had never left, and this time she felt as if a dam had burst inside of her. She could feel her body jerking as all the hurt, pain, and disappointment were released. Suddenly, she threw up.

There was a tap on the window. “Hey, Brittani!” she heard someone yell. “Oh, man! Brittani, are you okay?” It was her friend, Ayana. “Brittani, what’s wrong? Are you sick? Is there anything I can do to help?”

As Brittani rolled down the window the smell of vomit hit Ayana in the face. She stepped back, covering her nose and mouth.

“No, I’m okay. I must have a stomach virus or something. Thanks,” Brittani said, wiping her shirt with a napkin from the floor.

“Are you sure you’re okay? Let me get you a ginger ale or something to calm your stomach,” Ayana said, noticing the pregnancy test on the floor.

“Yeah, thanks. Do you have enough change?”

“Sure, I’ll be right back,” Ayana said as she looked through her purse for change.

Ayana returned within minutes with ginger ale, a roll of paper towels, and a Wal-Mart bag. She opened the can and poured the soda over a cup of ice.

“Girl, you didn’t have to do all that.”

“I know, but I can’t have one of my best friends sick and not help. Now, can I? ”

“I guess,” Brittani replied.

“Brittani, you look a hot mess. What is going on with you?” Ayana said, tearing off some paper towels to help clean the car.

“Ayana, I haven’t seen my period,” Brittani confessed.

“You can’t mean...”

“Yeah, I might be, you know,” she said, stepping out of the car to clean the seats.

“Does Kenny know?”

“Yes and no. I told him that I missed my period and that I thought I might be pregnant. He’s been acting funny lately and doesn’t come around as much anymore. I think he knows that there is at least the possibility that I might be pregnant. I don’t want to have sex anymore, and he’s acting like a baby. You know Kenny; he walks around in denial. He keeps saying my period will come, or that it’s late because of my nerves. All the other times we were lucky, but I don’t know about this time.”

“Do you really believe that you’re...?”

“Say the word, Ayana, pregnant.”

“Yeah, pregnant.”

“Look at me! What do you think?” Brittani said, taking a sip of the ginger ale. “I’ve gained weight even though I try not to eat much because I don’t want anyone to think I’m pregnant. I eat saltine crackers for breakfast, saltine crackers for lunch, and saltine crackers for dinner. Most of all, I cry all the time. Something about me has changed. I just bought a pregnancy test. I guess I’ll know something definitely by this evening.”

“I saw it on the floor, but I didn’t want to say anything until you mentioned it,” Ayana confessed. “Maybe you have a flu bug or something, Brit.”

“Then what about my period? Where did it go?”

“Maybe it’s late because you’re athletic. This is not the first time that you have missed a period.”

“Yeah, you’re right. But I just feel different. I can’t explain it.”

“Have you told your folks? You know, your father being a pastor and all.”

“Don’t even go there. I can’t imagine telling him or my mom. They are going to freak out. Can I ask you a question? What would you do if this happened to you?”

“I wouldn’t have to do anything because my mother would kill me,” Ayana laughed.

“Yeah, you’re right. I probably won’t have to do anything, either. I’ll be dead after telling my father. Then he’ll go to jail for double murder, and my family will be ruined because everyone will be killing each other.” She laughed. “No, seriously, what would you do?”

“I can honestly say I don’t know. I know one thing for sure. I wouldn’t have an abortion.”

“Why?” Brittani asked.

“Isn’t that killing? Plus, you’re the one who’s a Christian. I shouldn’t have to tell you.”

“I know, and I didn’t believe in abortion either until I thought that I might be pregnant. You know, it was always somebody else, not me. Now that it’s possibly happened to me, I would do anything to get out of this situation. You know what I mean?”

“Yeah, but you’re not sure that you are pregnant.”

“I know, but I feel that I am.”

“Do you really?”

“I told you that I’ve gained weight and all. Were you listening?” Brittani snapped.

“Of course, I was listening. You just need to find out first, and then make a decision,” Ayana said, wiping the seat again. “Now it’s all clean. You need some air freshener.”

“I’ll roll down the windows. Maybe that will do the trick.”

“I hope so,” Ayana smiled. “I have to go finish my errands. I’ll call you later to check on you.”

“Okay. It’s no rush. I’ll be home. Where else do I have to go?” Brittani said as she drove away. She, too, was running behind and had to pick up her younger sister from school. Seeing Ayana was a relief. They had been friends since middle school and Brittani trusted her with her secret. They often spent weekends together talking about boys, parents, and anything else on their minds. There were three other girls in their clique: Michelle, Denise, and LaAshley, whom they all called Ashley. Brittani felt closer to Ashley than to the others, but she loved them all. Friendship was important to Brittani, and she knew in her heart that her friends would be there for her as she would be there for them in any given situation. Nothing could tear them apart. Nothing.

Points to Ponder

Chapter 1

Why Me?

What do you believe are Brittani’s options regarding her pregnancy?

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Why do you believe Brittani became sexually active with Kenny when
she had promised herself to wait until marriage?

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Why do you believe Kenny has begun to distance himself from Brittani?

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Brittani’s family had rules in their home regarding dating. What rules
have your family established for dating?

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If your family has not set rules, take the time to talk with your parent(s)
regarding their expectations about dating. The rules you develop should be brief,
specific, and logical. For example:

I will inform my parent(s) of dates at least twelve hours in advance.

I will date only on weekends during the school year.

I will keep my parents informed if my plans change.

My Dating Rules

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What are your feelings and thoughts regarding pre-marital sex?

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Have you talked with your parent(s) regarding pre-marital sex?
How do you feel about having or not having the conversation?

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Have you ever made a promise to God out of desperation? If so, why did you?

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Have you ever asked yourself the question, “Why me?”
If so, what was the situation and what was the answer?

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Under what circumstances would you end a friendship with a best friend?

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Additional thoughts…

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